Tuesday, October 6, 2009

1305 Days...

Disclaimer: this could easily become a dark, twisty, sad post. But seeing as how this is my journal, it is one that needs to be written. Deal with it.

I've recently been catching up on one of my favorite TV shows...Grey's Anatomy. And I've been avoiding this most recent season because I knew one of the characters was killed off. And if you know me at all, you know I don't deal well with death...even if it is on some silly show. Because fictional or not, it brings up some very real emotions. Well, the first two episodes following George's death were broken up into days since he died, with the episode I just finished ending in "Day 40." And it was oddly comforting to know that some other mind out there was using that system because I've been doing the dame thing. It has been 1305 days since Gary died.

Right after I got that terrible phone call from my dad, I was talking to one of my very good friends and she told me that the only thing I could do was to take it one day at a time. And that's what I started doing. And it's what I have been doing. For 1305 days.

Another terrible cliche that has come along with the "one day at a time" thing is the whole "not a day goes by that I don't think about him" one. I'm nearly positive that not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about him. I have his couch, his car, his cookware, his piano...the list goes on. And even if I didn't have all of those things as physical reminders, I'm sure it wouldn't matter. I've thought about him every day. For 1305 days.

Another reason I've been thinking about Gary a lot (and probably 96% of the reason I'm writing this post) is because I've come to a very difficult part in the novel I've been working on for the last year. I'm closing in on the scene where the girl's uncle is about to die (sound familiar?). And I haven't been able to sit down and write it for almost six weeks now. I've been using the excuse that I have a new baby to my writing group, but let's be honest. I just can't write the scene yet. It still feels too soon. But it's been 1305 days.

Lastly, to go with my cliche thing a few paragraphs ago, there is this annoying song they have been playing on the radio a lot. And part of the chorus goes "that which does not kill you can only make you stronger." I'm going to disagree with that. Because though Gary's death didn't kill me, it broke me. It shattered me into a million pieces. And though I've been putting myself back together for the last 1305 days, I'm still not whole. And in no way am I stronger. I'm changed, but not stronger. So that cliche is a ton of crap. And it bothers me every time I hear it.

Like I said, dark and twisty post. But if you read through all of that intense, soul-bearing, scatter-brained mush, I have another thing that has been weighing on my mind that maybe you can ponder for a while:

I have a bottle of Pantene Shampoo and a bottle of Pantene Conditioner in my shower. I noticed about a week ago that the shampoo bottle is in both English and French. This doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the fact that the bottle of conditioner is in both English...and SPANISH. I get the bilingual thing. Sort of. (Ok, not really. It's manufactured and sold in AMERICA so it should be in English.) But why is one in English/French and the other in English/Spanish???

1 comment:

Brad and Hailey said...

hahaha the Shampoo thing makes me laugh. I have NO idea :)

On another note, I'm sorry for your loss. I too have bene contemplating life and death lately ... death is hard. I am still working on understanding and hopingto be strong enough to understand it at some point.